


In Which Enjolras Makes a Barricade of Condoms

by thepeopletoomustrise



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types, Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: Gen, I'M ACTUALLY SCREECHING, Kink Meme, Modern AU, sex ed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-23
Updated: 2013-02-23
Packaged: 2017-12-03 07:38:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/695853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thepeopletoomustrise/pseuds/thepeopletoomustrise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As a fill for this post on the kink meme:<br/>Modern AU. Little Gavroche is growing up so fast! First, Eponine and the ladies (Cosette, Musichetta, Bahorel's laughing mistress) try to give him The Talk. That doesn't go well, at all.... </p><p>I took a twist on this, and things got out of hand. I mean, Javert teaches the class. So.</p><p>(ALSO, kudos to you if you can see the play on lines from the musical songs hahahehehhehohohho)</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Which Enjolras Makes a Barricade of Condoms

**Author's Note:**

> The whole request on the kink meme "Modern AU. Little Gavroche is growing up so fast! First, Eponine and the ladies (Cosette, Musichetta, Bahorel's laughing mistress) try to give him The Talk. That doesn't go well, at all. So Les Amis take turns trying to do so. The only of them who succeeds is the last person you'd expect (your choice who)." [page 26]
> 
> I took a totally different twist on this, soooo this fic features a /lot/ of Enjolras. 
> 
> I'm crying a little.

Gavroche sits in the small chair, and his knee bobs up and down. He’s uncomfortable. Out of place. The fifteen year old boy is sitting in the place he’d last expect himself, but somehow, Cosette and Eponine had teamed up to drag him there with Marius’ help (literally drag him; it wasn’t pretty), and now he sat. Waiting. 

Sex ed class. 

The community of Paris had instituted free sex education classes for anyone who wanted them. This was after receiving multiple complaints from enraged parents who had heard obscene stories from their underage children; that, or the random outbreak of herpes that seemed to spread through high schools and college campuses like wildfire. 

And, who sat beside Gavroche? Enjolras- a very humiliated Enjolras. He was definitely the oldest of the class- an elder college student in the midst of this seminar which was primarily for young high school kids- and kids around him and Gavroche were turning and giggling manically at Enjolras’ increasingly red cheeks.

Truth be told, Enjolras was extremely curious, and was determined to also get to the root of the outbreak of STDs. 

The class went quiet when a man in a blue uniform broke the silence. 

“Welcome to this evening’s course; _A Practical Guide to Sexual Practices_ ,” his voice said sharply. Enjolras and Gavroche snapped to attention immediately at the man’s tone. “I’m Inspector Javert, and I will be your instructor this evening. I want no shenanigans- we are all to behave as well educated citizens, and nothing else.” 

Enjolras glanced over at Gavroche and raised his eyebrows. The boy snickered and whispered, “ _A Practical Guide to Sexual Practices_ , eh?”

“Sounds enthralling.” 

Javert clapped his hands to bring the class to attention once again. “Cease your idle chatter, children. Your sexual education will cultivate knowledge regarding your health as well as the urges you feel as you grow older. You must pay attention- this is a duty serious to the wellbeing and prosperity of Paris.” The room was uncomfortably quiet. “We will begin with the basic anatomy of both sexes.” Javert turned around to face the white board behind him, and reached up to a pull-down poster that hung above it. He pulled it downwards, revealing a large, full-color diagram of both the male and female reproductive system. Gavroche giggled. 

As if to make it any worse, Javert pulled out a pointing stick, and slapped it against the diagram, aiming at the penis. “Children, this is the penis.” Enjolras was taken aback by the rather blunt tone that he was taking. “If you are male- which you all are- then you have one,” he moved his pointer, “And you also have testicles. Could everyone repeat that word, testicles?”

Not a person in the room repeated it.

Well, none but Enjolras. 

“Testicles,” he repeated in a firm voice, being careful to articulate it in the right manner. The entire room turned to the sole speaker, chuckling and whispering, and Enjolras stared at Gavroche incredulously. “Why didn’t you repeat it? This is important information, and it’s crucial that-" 

“This young man is correct,” Javert interrupted from the front of the room. “These terms are crucial to your progress in areas of sexual nature. Next time, show participation.” Enjolras swallowed an embarrassed lump in his throat. 

“Moving on, can anyone tell me the correct term for this piece of genital?” He moved his pointer over to the unnecessarily realistic picture of the vagina. 

“Hoo-hoo?”

“Coochie?”

Javert’s cheeks turned a shade of bright red, and he shook his head furiously, cutting off the assortment of teenagers who had tried to answer the question. “No! No, no! It’s called the vagina, you delinquents! The vagina!” 

More giggles. 

He stared at them, fuming, “This is serious! The vagina will be what many of you will be exploring throughout your growth of sexual curiosity! The importance of this lesson cannot be understated!” 

At this point, Enjolras was taking notes. 

Javert sighed, rubbing his temples, and continued. “Let’s just get to the point. Sexual intercourse is caused from the insertion of the penis into the vagina!” His words had grown even more blunt and matter-of-fact- he raised his voice, reiterating, “ _Penis. Into. Vagina!_ Let’s all say that together on three. One, two…”

“Penis into vagina!” cried Enjolras. Only Enjolras. “Why aren’t you all repeating this?! We strive towards a larger goal; to defeat the reign of STDs on the youth!”

Gavroche sunk lower into his seat. 

Javert just ignored him. “If you can remember that simple equation, you will know where to start. Now, penises hold something called sperm. When a penis is inserted into a vagina, both of these reproductive organs go through a very special process,” Javert said with a smile. He pulled down another diagram, one resembling something from soft-core porn. A nice close up of this process was displayed, and the room erupted into giggling. Enjolras stared at it in confusion. It looked complicated. “Personally, I like to call them spermies.” 

“When spermies are ejaculated into the vagina, they go off on a journey to find magic eggs. You see, female ovaries are responsible for said eggs, which you were able to see in the previous diagram. When the spermie meets the egg, it can become fertilized, and something amazing could happen. Can anyone guess what this amazing thing is?”

A boy in the front row raised his hand, and said with a laugh, “Orgasm!” 

Javert’s face turned a fiery red. “No! No, I’m talking about the creation of human life; of pregnancy! Young man, this is sex education, not pornography!” He shook his head, clearing his throat. “A fertilized egg can lead to the creation of a baby. And this, children, is why sex is dangerous.” 

The next diagram to be pulled down was a graphic with the title Dangers of Sex, and had arrows leading to many different STDs and other sex induced dangers. Enjolras stared at it with wide eyes. 

“Children, I want you all to look at this diagram. Look closely,” he narrowed his eyes, and his voice dropped an octave. “This could be your future.”

Enjolras gasped. Gavroche was on the verge of falling asleep. Silence proceeded for a few moments as Javert assumed the children were digesting the information. 

“Although there aren’t preventions for all of these, there is one that can prevent the danger of pregnancy. Although it is not full proof, it does its job. This contraption is called the condom,” Gavroche woke up from his state of boredom. “May I have a volunteer?” 

Enjolras’ hand shot up, and he was to the front of the classroom in moments. 

“Very well,” Javert said, and he turned around to pull things from a bag at his feet. He returned with a banana and foil package. Enjolras watched with eager curiosity. “Now, I’d like you to pretend this is a penis,” he said, giving the banana a small shake, “and practice wrapping said genital in a condom.” The inspector unwrapped the foil and handed Enjolras both the banana and a dangling rubber condom. Enjolras was decently confused. 

“What if it doesn’t fit?” 

“Ah, good question! These come in sizes, boy. No need to worry about that,” Javert said stiffly. Enjolras was fumbling with the banana and the condom, which he dropped more than once. “Do you need assistance?” 

“I’ve got it!” he insisted, trying furiously to get the rubber onto the fruit. 

“Shouldn’t the chick do this crap anyway?” Gavroche’s shout came from the back of the room. Enjolras glared at him. 

“Ah, when practicing in sexual acts, it is important to maintain your independence,” Javert retorted, helping Enjolras with his current struggle. When he finished, the student stomped back to his spot in the back row, flustered. He held up the banana. “And that is how a condom works. Any questions?” 

“What’s your favorite sex position?” shouted a boy in the front. Gavroche laughed.

“Now, I don’t…”

“Virgin!” shouted another. 

“This is sex education, and sex education is not mocked!” Javert said, seething. “There is not time for immaturity!”

Enjolras’ hand shot up once more, and Javert called on him in an attempt to distract the cackling boys. “What does it mean if a woman wants me to ‘butter her muffin’?” 

Silence ensued, followed by thundering laughter. Even Gavroche was chuckling, nudging Enjolras in the arm. He frowned in general curiosity. 

Javert was clearly flustered, so he cleared his throat, “T-That could be taken many different ways, I am not in the position to answer that question.” 

Gavroche whispered under his breath to Enjolras, smirking, “Stop talking!” 

“What?! I had a question!” he stared in confusion at the many laughing boys. “Have you asked of yourselves, what’s the price you might pay? Is it herpes?” The group settled down, staring at him as he stood up; soon standing up on his chair. Javert was on the verge of a panic attack. “It is time for us all to decide who we are!” Enjolras proclaimed, driving his fist into the air. “STDs will not defeat the city of France! Is this just a game for horny young boys to play?!”

“Yes!” cried the group in unison. Enjolras stared at them in fury, and Gavroche tugged at the end of his jacket. 

“Enjolras, _get down!_ You’re embarrassing me!” Enjolras sighed in defeat and stepped down from his place on his chair. Narrow minded teenage imbeciles. They could all get STDs for all he cared. 

Javert was screeching over the chaos, “Don’t have sex! Don’t have sex! You’re all to end up supporting teenage moms who you impregnate! Shame to you all! _Shame!_ ” 

And after Enjolras made a barricade of condoms in the hallway, Javert never again agreed to teach that class.


End file.
